Tuesday, May 31

I only want it all.

I'd like to sit and feel Little Bit move. I'd like to crawl on the floor after Jack. I'd like to enjoy the silence while Little Bit is still inside. I'd like to hear Jack talking to him. I'd like to walk and rub the place on my tummy where I feel Little Bit's hiccups or foot rolling around. I'd like to make it up the hill which requires both hands on the stroller. 

Basically I'd like to be pregnant and not at the same time this week. As labor and delivery are imminent, contractions are ever-present and strengthening, and Little Bit is larger, carrying Jack or rocking him to sleep are becoming nearly impossible. Tonight I cried in the kitchen as he cried in his room while a sweet Grandma and Daddy took turns trying to settle him for bed because I just felt deep down inside that we both only needed a good rocking and a snuggle to feel better and for him to go to sleep. I hoped that after Little Bit comes I can sit and just rock Jack and then when he falls asleep I can lean all the way over the rail of his crib again and lay him on his mattress without dropping him from half a foot above it. But, I know that there will be even more adjusting to do, and the baby will need me too, and I just hope-so-hope that on the other side I can play with my boys without regret of these last few days or weeks of wishing I could hold them both at once without their knees and elbows gouging each other with me sandwiched in between.

I don't know where I'm trying to go with this stream of consciousness post. I am just spilling over my thoughts of a young mom that loves the little boy she has, and is trying to figure out how to balance my yearning for being able to care for him and needing help until I can see my toes again.

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